loopyloulaura

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The end of an era

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This week I have been struggling. Poor Chris has had to deal with a lot of crying. This post is really for him, I’m trying to share with him my thoughts and feelings but maybe some of you will recognise yourselves or have some advice.
Two months ago I stopped breastfeeding Zach during the day but continued at night just for a couple of minutes. Now he has stopped entirely.

It is the end of an era. Probably the last time I will ever breastfeed, the last time I will hold a baby of my own. Zach is no longer a baby, he is a toddler. He needs me less and less πŸ™ but that it how it is supposed to be and how I want it to be. Even so, that doesn’t make it any easier.
Yesterday we moved the cot out of our bedroom and into Matthew and Anya’s room. I cried yet again the night before, thinking this was the last night he’d spend with us, the last time I’ll wake up next to him hearing him chatting away and see him smiling at me πŸ™

Zach cannot believe what his siblings are up to! (Song and dance routine, you do NOT want to know!)

A post shared by Laura Beresford (@loopyloulaura) on

I thought Chris and I would have more children but he now feels our family is complete. I disagree but it isn’t the kind of thing you can negotiate. My head agrees with him. It makes sense to stop at 3 as we don’t have space for another in our home (but my heart is a different matter!) and the expense as they grow up and need university fees etc is a concern.

But my heart won’t listen. I see other mums, pregnant or with newborns and my heart aches. I didn’t think it would be the last time with Zach so I don’t feel like I appreciated all the milestones as much as I should have.
I have three beautiful children and know how incredibly lucky I am. I know that I am being selfish to want more. I have made vlogs reminding myself about how horrible I have found pregnancy: the morning sickness, the indigestion, the SPD. The labours at the ends aren’t too fun either. But the tiny baby makes it all worthwhile. So despite my attempts to put myself off the idea, I still want just one more.



There is a big difference between feeding your child milk from your own body and handing them a fish finger (even if it does have Omega 3, #solidaritea). Zach is still having a bottle of formula before bed but even that is declining in popularity and will soon stop, no more gazing into his eyes as he feeds and cuddles up before bed. I love snuggling up with Matthew and Anya to read books at bedtime but it isn’t the same connection as seeing the love in your child’s eyes as they feed.
So the future.Β Chris and I need time to be a couple. The poor man has gone from single to a dad of three in less than 3 years. He is an incredible dad and I am so grateful that he has come into our lives and made us into a family. We spent our first night alone together in bed last night (not too much information πŸ™‚ ). When we moved in together almost 2 years ago I was already pregnant with Zach so we had never truly been completely by ourselves in our bedroom. I am looking forward to reading in bed, not having to whisper quite so quietly when we have our night timeΒ catch up and giggle.

Zach was a teeny bit disorientated last night in the shared room but not enough to wake the others, phew! Success! Now I pull myself together and concentrate on the beautiful individuals we have created, nurture their skills, personalities and ambitions. I stop thinking of the what ifs and focus on the what I haves.
We grow as a family, together.

 

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56 comments

  1. Ah bless you, Laura! I felt a wrench even though I knew my family was most definitely complete. It must feel entirely different when your heart isn’t entirely ready to give up on being a mum again. I am feeling a lot of sadness myself, too – my kids are now 12 and 10, and I catch myself looking at their baby and toddler photos and wishing that just for one day, I could have them back at that age again πŸ™

  2. It is hard isn’t it, but never say never. We had three and decided to stop to work on our careers, buy a house etc and waited 8 years until we decided we want to even up the numbers. Now we have 6 but have definitely stopped now LOL

  3. Aww it is so hard, but believe me when I say that our children will always need us. I still need my Dad and I’m 27 years old! Focus on all the exciting adventures, memories and experiences you’ll be making together as a family now πŸ™‚

  4. Ben

    It sounds like you’e going through a massive transition and there are lots of thoughts and feelings that must feel like they are consuming you. You look to have three amazing children and whilst they may no longer need you as they once did, they will need you in other ways and that too is invaluable. πŸ™‚

  5. Sharon

    It is so hard and we stopped at 3 as well. I’m glad we did now that they are all teens! Lovely post, I loved reading it.

  6. Oh darling its so hard when one of your wanted more children and the other doesn’t I was there for a time. It’s always hard moving on from one era to the next I feel like this at every new stage! Sending hugs xoxo

  7. Very heartfelt. I was glad to be done after 2 babies, but I can understand the yearning for more! I hope you find peace with your family decisions and remember that children always need their parents, though you’re right – the needs do change!
    ~Jess
    #MMBC

  8. I totally get your feelings and I understand your partners. I have actually been feeling the same way! I am not with my daughters father but have been quite tempted to ask for sperm lol!

  9. Lou

    Aww you have a beautiful family. I’m sure it’s hard but the end of an era is always the beginning of a new one. Hope you find as much joy in the amazing chapters to come with them πŸ™‚ xx

  10. It is so difficult Laura. Ending breastfeeding is a hard time, and coming to terms with the fact that there will be no more children is difficult too. Doing them both together is heartbreaking. I remember having to walk out of Next as I was so overcome after wandering past the pink baby clothes and reminding myself I will never have a baby girl. But at some point it becomes easier, I promise x

  11. Laura what you are feeling is quite normal. I felt lost when I stopped b’feeding BattleKid and also missed him when his cot was moved out of our room but as you said it was lovely to leave the light on, read or chat before sleeping xx

  12. The same happened to me with my oldest daughter. I thought to stop during the day would mean she would want to feed more at night. How wrong I was. In less than a few weeks, she pushed me away. I remember crying in the middle of the night. Heartbroken that she “didn’t want me” anymore… #globalblogging

  13. Jasmin N

    You’ve got a beautiful family! Kids grow up so super fast, I bet Zach will wake up next to you eventually. When the bad dream occurs, or something – mum is who he needs πŸ™‚

  14. Ada

    Your babies are super cute! It sounds as though you’ve thought about the practicalities though. As much as babies are lovely, it’s a good idea to spend some time as a couple. After all you never know what the future might bring!

  15. Awww this brings back memories of when I expressed my final milk…even took a photo for memory. I don’t even know why I felt so sad about it but being back at work full time it was just not possible to keep up.

  16. It must be really hard having to accept it when you weren’t fully prepared. But what beautiful three kids you have. You must be very proud. Thank you for linking up to #TriumphantTales, I hope to see you back again next week πŸ™‚

  17. The transitions are definitely hard. I wasn’t really ready for my youngest to move into her own room, but she still comes in to our bed each morning. I’m slowly getting used to not having her next to me to look at when I’m in bed, but it’s nice to be able to not need to creep around our bedroom quite so much.

  18. I can really relate to this – it’s hard when you know every time is a last time! Neve is my last baby too although I know despite everything we went through my heart would love another. I try and focus on how lucky I am to have two beautiful girls and enjoy every moment I have with them both πŸ™‚

  19. Suz

    Aww, sorry you’re feeling like this. But for every last time, there is also a first time. First days at school, first time to ride a bike, first girlfriends, first cars. Oh and I can couch that grandchildren are great; all those cuddles without the sleepless nights πŸ™‚ Hope you’re feeling better soon
    #BloggerClubUK

  20. I so relate to that and I only have one! There are days when I want more and some others when I am like ‘no way!’ You have a beautiful family. And such a milestone with the little one and of course he still needs you! They always do πŸ™‚

  21. Awww, this brought a tear to my eyes. It’s tough isn’t it, I’m trying to come to terms with only having 2 and I feel like I didn’t make the most of the first 2 as little babies, wahhh! Thanks for linking up #bestandworst

  22. Thank you so much for sharing. My boy is only 10 months but I got a little emotional the other day thinking that (eventually) our breastfeeding relationship will be over. It must be so tough to reach the decision that you won’t have anymore (and probably one you wrestle with over an over) but I love your positivity about moving forward together as a family. #SharingTheBlogLove

  23. This is a lovely post, it’s hard sometimes to see them growing up but I try to think of all the firsts still to come rather than the lasts. I think it’s maybe a bit easier for me as we are definitely done with two and I know I definitely don’t want any more. #SharingTheBlogLove

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  25. I have four- last ones are twin terrors. Everyday is a freaking zoo and I think I am not possibly take one more minute…and I would love another.

    We tied everything up pretty tight though knowing I am like this, Thanks for linking up to #globalblogging

  26. please dont think your babies need you less and less, they just need you in different ways. My youngest now 18, is taking more of my time the past few months as he is preparing to leave school and join the world of work, each child has needed me in different ways over the years
    #TriumphantTales

  27. It is soooo hard when you really really want a baby but for one reason or another it isn’t happening. Can totally understand why you’re feeling like it’s the end of an era! But just think of all the good things ahead for you as a family! Hope you get to enjoy some couple time xxx #DreamTeam

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  29. Congratulations you are my #dreamteam featured blogger this week! This post is simply beautiful, those bittersweet moments when they do something for the last time. Emma is now two years old and I am seeing quite a few of these…they tug at my heart strings so much πŸ™ Thanks for linking up to #dreamteam xx

  30. I can relate to that I was adamant we would stop at 2 and sold everything as we finished with it. But then when my youngest got to 2 1/2 years old that feeling of maybe having another came along. After much thought we decided to stick at 2, but I did have an urge every now and again! Thank you for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

  31. It really is hard when they start to grow-up. I am feeling the same way when I see pregnant women or those with newborns – I am just jealous. We hope to have another one so if fate and fortune are on my side then I will get to experience it a second time. But somehow this time round I am more aware of how little you can control if it happens! You do have so many more exciting experiences to come though, with your beautiful 3 babies (they are always your babies, however big!). Hope you come to terms with the decision in time xx #SharingTheBlogLove

  32. It’s hard when they start growing up. In some ways they need you less, in other ways they need you more and in different ways. There’s loads of fun things to come πŸ™‚

  33. Such a relatable post, I hate the end of their milestones, and I long for a rewind to when things were easier and new. I suppose all we can do is roll with the changes-and that are children are happy-as that is the only thing we have control over.

    #SharingtheBlogLove

  34. Awwww I feel for you so much. It seems that our first may now be our only one and I’m sad but also a bit disappointed in myself, that even though we tried for such a long time for him, that I may have not treasured every moment as I should have xx
    #sharingthebloglove

  35. I never did the whole breastfeeding thing with my kids, they are adopted. But I so understand the moving on the the next stage and them needing us less and less. But in other ways, they need us more and more but in different ways. And you know what. They’ll always will be your baby. #SharingtheBlogLove

    • Laura

      I got quite emotional re-reading it, the sadness is still there even though I am so amazed by my little humans every day

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