I cannot describe how hard yesterday was. Other parents will recognise the type of day when nothing went right, all the children were awkward, the sleep deprivation (teething, gggrrrrr!) was overwhelming and my temper was simmering.
I used a lot of bad words, muttered but still said them. I wasn’t a nice person yesterday and made Anya cry unnecessarily.
I always promise myself I will be a better mum, do a better job, be more patient, be kind. And then let myself down the next time it happens.
The day started brilliantly with Zach’s health visitor 9-12 month check. She even described me as ‘supermum’ and was impressed I’m still breastfeeding despite 3 jobs and the general hectic-ness of life with 3 children. Zach performed beautifully and behaved like an angel, just perfect, maximum cuteness.
But that all stopped when we got home 🙁 He hadn’t had a morning nap before the check and didn’t want a snack. My meeting was cancelled so I decided to feed him to sleep. He lasted 10 minutes and was then grumpy, screaming. He refused his lunch. He didn’t want to sit, stand, play, lay down, sing. Nothing worked. He was relentless in his misery. Eventually I took him to the shops in the pushchair so he would sleep. It worked but the second we got home he was awake again and almost as cranky as before.
Matthew and Anya then entered the fray after school. Ignoring instructions, arguing, clambering around, knocking each other over. Anya was playing roughly with Zach and I told her to stop 3 times then lost it and just yelled at her to get out of my sight, calling her a horrible little girl. She crumpled and I felt just awful listening to her cry. I apologised and apologised and she forgave me, I reminded her I was only human and that grown ups make mistakes.
Then Matthew was messing around at the dinner table, being deliberately rude and Chris told him off. He just disintegrated into wracking sobs. Again we explained how the behaviour had affected us and apologised for being imperfect normal people. Meanwhile Zach was refusing to eat still (those bloomin’ teeth!) and exhausted. Bathtime was surprisingly uneventful and bedtime was a relief for everyone.
I want to be the best mum I can be. That includes making mistakes and being responsible enough to make amends when I need to. I am not supermum. I am a mum who loves, laughs, cries, shouts, sings, dances, sits with my head in my hands. I hope my children learn from me that emotions should be expressed and not to be afraid of how they feel. They have seen me cry with laughter and with despair, smile through joy and pain. Yesterday was tough but it is over. Today is good!
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