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Monday 17th October: I love you but…

Dear Zachary
I love you. But I did not want to spend an extra 3 hours with you during the night for no apparent reason.
Dear Anya
I love you. But I did not need all your dolls in my bed this morning before 7am.
Dear Matthew
I love you. But I did not want to hear you wailing like you’d entered the fiery pit of hell because Anya beat you out of the bedroom and you’d hurt your foot.

The thing about parenthood is people (especially your own children) expect you to be on call 24 hours a day for the slightest thing and that you should always be delighted to deal with everything in a happy Mary Poppins type way.

I’m afraid I don’t. I am sleep deprived and I want everyone to know about it and cut me some slack.

No chance. In reality they looked momentarily pained on my behalf then go back to concentrating on the minutiae that has destroyed their day such as the wrong coloured plate/bowl, Anya’s insistence on being hot in sub zero temperatures so she MUST wear something summery, Matthew’s latest Lego disaster, Zach suddenly realising he hasn’t had any attention for a nanosecond.

The thing is I love them so much and one day they will have children and understand just how much. I was completely overwhelmed with love and unprepared for it. I told my parents and they said ‘Now you know how we have felt about you and Helen all this time’. It really was an unexpected revelation.

But that doesn’t mean I am not still me deep down. That I am an automaton who doesn’t have feelings and want my own space. The privilege of just going to the toilet on my own without sudden entrances brandishing a broken toy or something that apparently only I can sort.
My children will always be the most important thing in my world and I really would do anything for them but it doesn’t mean I always do it with good grace or deal with it at that precise second.

Dear children
I love you but I’m only human…


7 comments

  1. I love this post so much, in fact I defy any parent not to relate to it. There are certainly parts of parents – that no matter how much we love our children – push us to our limits. Thank you so much for sharing this with us at #PostsFromTheHeart

  2. Oh yes, it’s so difficult when they are young. I’d like to tell you it gets better but I still feel like I’m in demand from my eldest children and they still occupy so much of my life and thoughts. I’ve also got three young ones to care for and I sometimes I just wish I could switch off. I used to have some me time by going out with friend and ditching the Mummy in me for a few hours, but I can’t even do that now. Being a mum is lovely, but it’s so hard too.
    #postsfromtheheart

  3. Daydreamer Mum

    This is great. We love them so much but oh my when they’re all demanding attention at once it’s just so overwhelming #PostsFromTheHeart

  4. I love this! I think we can all relate, loving your children isn’t about having to like the tough times, or the 3am wake up calls, or even liking THEM very much at all some days. Being a Mum is the hardest job in the word, it’s okay not to love all of it. #postsfromtheheart

  5. It can be utterly exhausting can’t it and I often feel that nobody else understands! I wish they would sometimes just switch ‘Mummy!!’ for ‘Daddy!!’. The problem is they know that I’m the best one for the job! I think it’s perfectly normal to need a break from time to time! #postsfromtheheart

  6. Sleep deprivation is one of the hardest things to deal with. It makes even the simplest of tasks seem impossible. There are days when its hard to show love but all parents feel like that from time to time. It’s completely normal and your doing an amazing job! I love the honesty of this post! #postsfromtheheart

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